on my mind. motherhood and wanting more.

“The problem lay buried, unspoken for many years in the minds of American women. It was a strange stirring, a sense of dissatisfaction, a yearning that women suffered in the middle of the twentieth century in the United States. Each suburban housewife struggled with it alone. As she made the beds, shopped for groceries, matched slipcover material, ate peanut butter sandwiches with her children, chauffeured Cub Scouts and Brownies, lay beside her husband at night, she was afraid to ask even of herself the silent question: ''Is this all?''” -Betty Friedan

I hit this low spot every now and then but I have really hit it this time. Marc started school Monday and our routine has finally started. We are getting pretty good at it and for the most part I have been happy. This evening we went to an ice cream social for the families of the students. It went well. I met a really kind Mother who has a four year old girl and is attending law school as well. This gives me hope for a community here. I had several people ask me if I was attending school as well and I have to admit. It was frustrating to tell them I stay at home. The look on everyones face is an instant turn off. I am sure most mothers know what I am talking about. I felt very sad the entire time. I love my children and I love being a mother but there is something to be said about the constant flow of daily life with children and the fact that I feel as though I have no identity apart from being a mother. I have been fighting this for awhile now, I don't want to do this again. It is so hard to face socializing with others simply because I never feel as though I have anything to offer to the conversation...or it seems as though upon finding out I am a mother, people are not as interested in conversing with me. I know I am not the only one who has these thoughts but I had to share them.
They have been heavy on my soul. I feel so much excitement for Marc but I can't help and feel a tinge of sadness that my days are not filled with new exciting challenges, instead they are the same thing over and over. Running around trying to get everything done only to collapse at the end of the day and realize I never did brush my teeth like I had started this morning.

Sometimes I do feel the added pressure of being young and a mother. For this reason I have a tendency to be somewhat reserved around people until I am sure they take me seriously as a individual.
It is hard, being young, to have so many responsibilities. Somedays there isn't anything I wouldn't give for just a day, one day, to myself. To do something that feels like me. 

Today Ocean and I had this conversation:
O-"Mom, are you just like the person who does things for people?" Me- "What do you mean?" O-"Like a slave?" Me- "Yeah, thats pretty much it"
From the mouth of babes... ;)

I don't really know how to clearly articulate how I am feeling but I figured that this post would draw it out of me. Sometimes I feel so...boring. 

The more I have thought and the longer I have sat here typing this out the more I have come to this resolve: This season is hard but my attitude does shape it.

I read this quote and it brought tears to my eyes:
“In a child's eyes, a mother is a goddess. She can be glorious or terrible, benevolent or filled with wrath, but she commands love either way. I am convinced that this is the greatest power in the universe.” 
― N.K. Jemisin
How true. This time is so hard but I am a goddess in my daughters eyes. I guess, as a mother, that is the sacrifice you make. Most days, this isn't such a hard thing for me to cope with. It is what it is...but on the days that these thoughts bog me down, I am going to call on this quote to bring me through it.

(I wanted to share a few more quotes I had found encouraging on this subject and wanted to share)

“The great motherhood friendships are the ones in which two women can admit [how difficult mothering is] quietly to each other, over cups of tea at a table sticky with spilled apple juice and littered with markers without tops.” 
― Anna Quindlen
“Motherhood is a choice you make everyday, to put someone else's happiness and well-being ahead of your own, to teach the hard lessons, to do the right thing even when you're not sure what the right thing is...and to forgive yourself, over and over again, for doing everything wrong.” 
― Donna Ball
“Thus far the mighty mystery of motherhood is this: How is it that doing it all feels like nothing is ever getting done.” 
― Rebecca Woolf
“Being a mother is an attitude, not a biological relation.” 
― Robert A. Heinlein
“I don’t think the world should assume that we are all natural mothers. And it does. I don’t think it’s such a big thing anymore, but the idea that you sacrifice everything for your children—it’s a load of rubbish. It leads to very destructive living and thinking, and it has a much worse effect on children than if you go out and live your own life. You’re meant to adore your children at all times, and you’re not meant to have a bad thought about them. That’s facism, you know, and it’s elevating the child at the expense of the mother. It’s like your life is not valid except in fulfilling this child’s needs. What about all your needs, your desires, your wants, your problems? They’re going to come out anyway, so it’s better they’re acknowledged straight off. Having said that, I really do believe that children have to be protected. They have to be loved. Somewhere between the two, I think, something needs to be sorted out. The relationship between parent and child is so difficult and so complex. There’s every emotion there. We mostly only acknowledge the good ones. If we were allowed to talk about the other ones, maybe it would alleviate them in some way” 
― Marina Carr


I really am happy where I am at. I feel very content. I guess these bad days just hit and knock the air out of me. Sometimes it feels so suffocating. Just now though, walking back to check on the girls, both sleeping peacefully...I remember. I do love my life. Thanks for taking the time to read my rants.

Once again, thank you for reading. I stress myself out trying to respond to every individual comment but it is something I have chosen to let go since I cannot possibly do that.
That being said, please know that every comment is read and appreciated. xoxo