in response to "our wedding"

Thank you for all for sharing your thoughts and stories. It is so nice to branch out into this realm.

I have shied away from sharing about Marc and I for a few reasons:
One, because of our past together I have always wanted to be sure I was wording and phrasing things perfectly. I hold no hard feelings against anyone and don't want to come across as a bitter teen. I'm simply not bitter. I fully understand where my parents were coming from and understand that it was an extension of love that caused them to make decisions they did. I have never doubted that they loved me.
Two, I have had a fear that writing about us and our relationship...the details that I long to share, may cheapen what we are as a couple in others eyes because I choose not to write about and/or dwell on the long fights we had or the time I told Marc that I would rather be with anyone but him and meant it.

I never wanted to present a fairy tale romance...thats simply not the case. I hope my writing hasn't lead anyone to think that our relationship is dreamy or perfect, because it isn't. It's hard work every single day. I had a lot of people sending emails and leaving comments asking if I could share with them how we were making our marriage work, this makes me very hesitant. I am not foolish enough to believe there is a four step program to a perfectly blissful marriage and certainly don't want others to think that. I do want to share links, books and thoughts that have given me new ways of thinking of our marriage, but I want to stress that I think the key is simply self-awareness and expectations. Being the right person. That's it.

There are days when literally everything he does annoys me, in fact, not a day goes by that I don't have to fight an urge to roll my eyes at him. I know he feels the same, he has told me that for a fact.
We really annoy the hell out of each other. We are learning though. I don't know why its a lightbulb moment every time we realize the things we do that drive us apart, it's pretty obvious when you think about it. Marc and I have had nights where we fought. Where Marc pulled away and I kept chomping at the bit. He can go to bed when we are fighting and sleep like a baby. I can't, I stay up crying hoping he will say he is sorry. I end up waking him up and the fighting either continues or I acknowledge my part in it and both of us calm down, he acknowledges his part and then we go to sleep happily.
We just did this last night. 

I read this quote awhile back and I feel like it sums up my thoughts perfectly:
“Our culture says that feelings of love are the basis for actions of love. And of course that can be true. But it is truer to say that actions of love can lead consistently to feelings of love.” -Timothy Keller

You know, I think what binds us together is how much we want this. We both know this is the most fulfilling thing there is for us. Not necessarily each other, but us. I hope that makes sense.

Neither of us believe in "the one", I suppose we would like to but we both know at the end of the day its just about two people that want the same thing, each other. I am sure I could be happy and fulfilled with someone else and I have no doubt that Marc could as well, thats just not what we want. No, I no longer look at Marc and feel butterflies. I have my moments but the infatuation is past and thats okay, it couldn't last. (I don't know how one could parent in that stage, when all you think about is each other)

It took some time and some poor choices for us to arrive at this conclusion. Marc and I have made mistake after mistake in our relationship but we haven't stopped fighting for what we wanted most.
Obviously, I can't predict the future but I know I am committed to being the right person for Marc and by "right" I mean that I commit to loving him:
-being patient.
-approaching him with a beginners mind, understanding and compassion.
-exercising self-control when I am tempted to act in a way that is selfish or does not help attain our goal.
-speaking kindness and truth.
-choosing to have a good attitude, to let the little things go.
-maintaining constant open and honest communication.
-accepting truths without fear and feeling as though I should react.
-maintaining and controlling my emotions.
-keeping our vision in mind. our future. the plans we have made, working towards that dream.

If I am honest, I would admit that there are days when I think Why I am working so hard at this? I start feeling annoyed and tired of it. This is where being an Atheist ties in for me though, I struggle with thoughts of depression and wondering why we fight through anything. I suppose that life, at it's core, is meaningless. When I have these thoughts its easy to fall into reacting rather than being proactive and I think we all get to that point. To me, my marriage is worth it because of the beauty it brings to my life. Isn't that the motivation for most things we do? For the moments of joy those things bring? Parenting is very much the same...there are some days I question why, for gods sake, did I ever have kids? But then Luna runs to me offering me a bite of her banana and I forget those thoughts. Thats why I did.

And on those days when Marc and I fight all day, everything he does just pisses me off and I'm thinking "Why the hell did I ever marry him?" but then he comes to me, apologizes and hugs me...I remember why I do this. For those moments. I fully believe that the way we speak and think about marriage is very powerful and that we should recognize that.

“Now some of you will say that the two are one and the same - happiness and joy - but this is not so. Happiness is a feeling. Happiness is fleeting, dependent on the moment, the circumstances, even the weather. Joy is transcendent, enduring, and, in the biblical context, is not an emotion. Joy is an attitude of the heart. Joy brings us peace, a refuge in the midst of troubles. Now, is there anything wrong with being happy? Nay, but it cannot last. So, you may wonder why I bring up the difference between these two - it is simple really. [...] marriage is sacred, a decision for a lifetime, but too often I think young people look upon it as a source of happiness. Do not look at marriage this way. See it as a reservoir of joy, a deep, welling spring that endures the icy blast of temper, the bite of an angry word, the void of loneliness in a heart hungry for talk when there is no response. [...] Seek joy in each other, not happiness.” -Kelly Long

Marc and I will fail each other over and over, that I can be sure of. But I know we will continue to forgive and seek the joy we know is there, the fulfillment we have found only through each other.

Thanks so much for reading. xoxo